Eavis reveals controversial plans for next year’s Glastonbury

Following another successful year in its 40th anniversary the founder of the festival announces changes which he hopes will continue the success.

‘I think we’ve been doing really well lately,’ said the 76-year-old dairy farmer, ‘and a lot that has to do with the way it’s marketed.

This got me thinking: what if we were to focus more on that, on the marketing, and see where it takes us.’ His plans involve shifting focus away from the music and onto Radio 1 presenters covering the event incessantly repeating mantra-like statements such as ‘This is immense.’ ‘This is genius.’

‘Musicians are expensive and their performances can be variable. Although personally I think everyone who has played here in the last few years have been amazing, it’s cheaper and more reliable to just deliver PR to people. That’s what people really want anyway.’

Eavis cites the large contingent of casual music fans who come because of the strength of the Glastonbury brand name and because it’s cool for people to tell their friends they’ve been. Under the proposed new plans, there will be no actual festival but people will be able to pay £200 for a wristband that says they went, a poster of an imaginary line up, and instructions on how to turn their back garden into a rain-drenched bog.

The BBC will be broadcasting extensive coverage in which their radio presenters stand in front of stock footage of previous Glastonbury festivals and show a deference to bands whose members are middle-aged usually reserved for ancient Persian Emperors.

The move has proved controversial to die-hard music fans. One blogger said ‘Let’s face it, Glastonbury has been rubbish for years now, bands who made their debut thirty years ago on the main stage, bands who sound like they made their debut 30 years ago on the smaller stages. This is them admitting how shit it’s been for ages.’

But Eavis says he’s just giving the people what they want. ‘Most people who come aren’t really interested in music, it’s the other stuff that you get with the Glastonbury experience that is really valuable to people. It seems reasonable to shift our focus onto that.’

Only time will tell whether these proposals prove to be popular with fans.

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