Ratings fall for Miliband amidst shocking revelation

Ed Miliband’s leadership of the Labour Party has been dealt a major blow following pictures being published of a USB port at the base of his spine.

It is said that a member of the paparazzi got a hunch that something was amiss after seeing this interview in which the Labour leader responded identically to a variety of different questions.

‘There were a few things that seemed to come together in my mind actually,’ said the unnamed photographer. ‘He seems to have no independent thought or will of his own, he moves and talks in a very stiff manner. In that interview it seemed like he was being controlled remotely by satellite. I was going out on a limb really, I didn’t know what to expect, but I ended up catching him taking his shirt off and there it was. I was amazed really.’

The Labour Party released this statement: ‘We categorically deny the allegation that Ed Miliband is a robot covered over by humanoid flesh designed by Nick Park. Ed was just trying to get a point across which he feels passionately about. We can understand that this may have seemed a bit ‘robotic’ but frankly these allegations are ludicrous.’

But sources close to the party say that Labour is privately worried about this story getting out, and a number of Cabinet ministers are expressing a need for an ‘upgrade’ in the party’s leader. Whether this means they are suggesting a new leader, or that Mr. Miliband really is a robot in need of more advanced programming is yet to be determined.

Polls taken after this story broke suggest that this has affected the public’s perception of the opposition. ‘It’s not a surprise to me,’ said one voter, ‘He’s been around a while now and nobody seems to know anything about him or what he thinks. He doesn’t seem to have any opinions or policies.’

Asked if this would affect their voting, they said ‘Yes, definitely. I don’t think we’ve got the technology yet for a robot clever enough to lead the country. Maybe one day, but if this story is to be believed it seems that Ed Miliband is simply a tape recorder wrapped in skin, and something obviously went wrong with it in that interview. What if he was in No. 10 and he malfunctioned and fired a nuclear missile?’

Mr. Miliband has denied this publication’s request that he take a Turing test.


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